An interview with Barbara Curtis

I know that today's topic is scheduling and activities, but I'm breaking from the pack and posting an interview I did recently with an amazing woman. Barbara Curtis is a mom to 12, and blogs over at Mommy Life.
First, for our readers who may not be familiar with you, tell us a little about yourself and your family.
I have 12 children ranging in age from 37 to 6. My first two daughters – 37 and 30 –are from a first marriage back in my hippie days. The next set of children start at 23 and are roughly 1 ½-2 years apart. My last birth child is now 13. I was 45 when Maddy was born, but a couple years later we adopted a baby with Down syndrome to grow up with her older brother Jonny (now 14) who also has DS. Since then, we’ve been asked to adopt two other babies with Down syndrome.

Six children are still at home – daughters 13 and 16 and the four sons with Down syndrome. Two boys are in college (19 and 20), one son is a working actor who lives 90 minutes from here (21), one son recently married (23) and the two married daughters – who each have 5 children – all live 25 minutes away.

Wow, 12 children! I guess, more than any of us with larger families, you really do get asked, "How do you do it?" Do you have any advice that you find yourself dispensing frequently?

Organization and flexibility help tremendously – but these are skills you develop as you go along. People often say, “Oh, I could never do what you do – you’re so organized/patient/whatever” and I tell them that I used to be a normal person like everyone else. But in response to the challenge of a growing family, I just learned some new survival skills.

For me the most important thing is being willing to change. I am not as obsessive about “my house” as I used to be and I’m not as selfish in terms of thinking my time belongs to me.

You are a grandmother, with younger children still at home. With such a large family, and with such an age range, what types of things do you do to encourage family bonding? How is it different with grown children who have moved out of the house?

Every Sunday after church is Family Day in which everyone who can gathers for play and dinner until well after dark. I have 10 grandchildren also – all under 14. Sometimes soccer schedules or other obligations interfere with certain people, but the house is open (and we’re blessed to have a pool right now). We often play baseball or card games – or the grownups just sit and talk while the kids play and the teens bounce back and forth between talk and play.

I love having all the different ages to relate to. Having been a mother of preschoolers for 35 years has given me so much more perspective and keeps me more in relationship with younger mothers than with other women my age – who are mostly empty-nesters. Maybe because I’m an extrovert, I am energized by being around people and talking and sharing. With 12 kids, two sons-in-law, a daughter-in-law and 10 grandchildren, there is always plenty of that.

When your kids grow up, you experience differences in your relationships with them. Some of my kids consider me a friend and we talk often. A couple have issues they are sorting out and keep a little more distance. As a mother, I’ve been trying to learn not to take it personally and to thoroughly enjoy the grownup children who’ve found a balance in their relationship with me, while remaining open and available for those who are still sorting things out.

I will admit at first it was difficult. You are so idealistic when your children
are young – I guess you have to be or you wouldn’t have the energy to carry on each day – that you think somehow you will escape the downside of parenting adults. But no matter how “perfect” you’ve tried to be, I guess there are just bumps in the road that make life a little tougher for some.

Do you find that you parent your youngest children differently now that you've seen the fruits of your labor, so to speak, with your older children?

To be honest, my husband and I went through a time of taking stock last spring and realized we had really started slacking with only six at home. Especially because the Down syndrome kids are a little more challenging and the conversation not as rewarding – and we’re both very conversational people. We had to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and determine to give this next phase of our parenting as much oomph as we gave the early years. For us that means going back to a lovely dinner presentation every night with serving bowls and napkins and candles – and really lingering around the table to talk with the kids. What’s been wonderful is to see how thrilled and responsive the kids are. It has completely changed the behavior of my 16 year old daughter who had been getting a little too negative for my taste. She loves the whole dinner routine.

You have a gift with words. I've really been inspired by some of your writing. How did you find your path to writing?

In 1990 I began homeschooling my kids even while still giving birth every 18-24 months. Part of my crazy mixed-up background included a year at the Montessori Institute in Washington, DC where I received my Montessori teaching certificate. I’d also had a few years experience in the classroom, but of course never dreamed I’d find the greatest opportunities for my training at home with my children.

When people wondered how things functioned so smoothly for me, I realized that my training had equipped me with a certain understanding of children’s needs and how to provide for them. I knew that the greatest windows of opportunity for teaching children occur before the age of six, and that if the right keys are in the environment at that time, their learning will be filled with joy.

Wanting to share these ideas, I began offering workshops, then decided to write a book. I attended a writers’ conference and became willing to work on the craft of writing (because it does take work to write professionally), eventually selling my first two books – Small Beginnings: First Steps to Prepare Your Child for Lifelong Learning, and Ready. Set, Read! A Start-to-Finish Reading Program Any Parent Can Use (1997 and 98). Since then, I’ve published over 700 articles, written a biweekly column for my local paper for six years and authored seven more books.

But my greatest love is my blog, MommyLife. Since January 2005 – when I began my blog as a way of having a more immediate relationship with my readers – I have posted 1233 entries. I’ve found much greater fulfillment from that then from the writing I’ve been paid to do (although I won’t turn down a paying job J

Four of your children have Down syndrome. Was it difficult, in the beginning, when your first son Jonny was born with DS? One of my children has an autistic disability, and it's affected my other children in their relationships with others. Do you find that to be true with your children?

Somehow God had prepared my heart for Jonny. I was 44 when he was born and having babies every year and a half or so. The doctor always pulled out the charts to show me how my chances of having a baby with DS had increased – to encourage me to have testing. I always said no, I would take any baby God gave me. Although inside, I was thinking, “Oh, but surely God knows that with seven children I already have my hands full!”

When they placed Jonny in my arms, I could see he looked just a little different. I was remarking to Tripp on the shape of his eyes and my doctor and nurse came up from cleaning me up and placed their hands on my shoulders.

My doctor said, “I have some hard news for you.”

I said, “He has Down syndrome, doesn’t he?”

Yes.

“Well, that’s all right – I always told you it would be!”

Carmen, I can’t explain the feeling of absolute joy and exhilaration I felt at that moment – as though I were at the top of a roller coaster, poised for a thrilling journey. I knew that it was going to be a wonderful life-changing experience – and I knew it was going to be good!

We taught our children to be proud – like an ethnic pride – knowing that people with Down syndrome are gifted in ways different than those we call “normal.” It would be our job to discover those gifts and help them be revealed to the world.

Our kids were very much on board with the adoptions and have always considered the boys to be an irreplaceable part of our family. My personal observation is that my children are kinder, gentler and more compassionate people because of growing up with their special brothers.

Tripp and Barbara Curtis received the 2004 Congressional Angels in Adoption Award. What was this award for, and how did you feel when you were awarded it?

The award is given to people who make a difference in the lives of children through adoption. Each representative is able to give an award each year, though not all do. Someone from our county let our representative know about us – when we were called it was a surprise. It was an honor and privilege – a day-long celebration with a service at the National Cathedral, music by Michael W. Smith, a presentation ceremony and a banquet.

I never expected to get an award for adopting. It was a wonderful experience. It was also wonderful meeting other adoptive parents who’d done extraordinary things – like one couple from Florida with four kids of their own, who’d adopted a sibling group of nine from Russia. People tell me I’m a saint, but there are lots of people making a difference in the world. They’re all just too busy to talk about it!

Tell us a little about Moms for Modesty, and why you decided to become involved.

I’ve parented two generations of teens. My oldest girls were teens in the 80’s. My two daughters now have a much greater challenge maintaining their purity and integrity in the face of the over-sexualization of teen girls in our country today. Even if a girl has the desire to dress modestly and the courage to be a little different, it’s difficult to find clothes that are fun, stylish – and modest. I also very much resent companies that use sex to sell to our kids – like Abercrombie&Fitch.

You've written several books - Reaching the Left from the Right, Lord, Please Meet Me in the Laundry Room, The Mommy Manual to name just three - which was your favorite to write? Which was the most challenging? How in the world do you find time to write, parent, keep house, maintain a blog, and still stay sane? Any tips for other mothers trying to break into the writing world?
My favorite one to write is the one coming out in November – The Mommy Survival Guide. It’s very different in that it addresses challenges at all stages of motherhood from getting up at night with a newborn to letting go of a wayward child. It’s the most intensely personal, and yet filled with lots of practical advice. It’s really less of a book than a conversation with a mother who’s been through just about everything and hopes to make the way a little easier for someone else.

As to how I write: first of all, when I started I was homeschooling. I don’t do that anymore. My kids all leave by 8 in the morning and start coming home at 2:30 so after zipping through the house as fast as I can and letting everything go I possibly can, I have a number of hours to write. As you develop your writing skill, writing comes easier and faster and involves less rewriting. Also, I’m convinced that 90% of the writing effort takes place before you sit down at the keyboard – while grocery shopping, folding laundry, taking a shower. By the time you sit down, you should be ready to roll. Agatha Christie said, “The best time to plan a novel is while washing the dishes” and I couldn’t agree more.

When I began earning money writing, I used part of it to pay a housekeeper. I have two women who come every other week and give my house a thorough top-to-bottom cleaning. In between I have learned to relax and put first things first – my kids and my writing.

Congratulations on your weight loss! 65 pounds is amazing - you've lost the size of an average ten year old from your body! It's a great feeling, I know. Do you find it difficult to fit everything in - laundry, writing time, exercise, family?

Exercise is definitely the last on my priorities. I try to walk a mile a day – and am just beginning some weight training. I am feeling terrific though – and eager to spread the word not to wait until you’re 20, 30, 40 pounds overweight. Get rid of those first 5 – even if you have to do that several times a year. It’s just not worth it. Now that I’m lighter – you’re right, I have a 10 year old son who weighs what I’ve lost and I’d hate to carry him around all day - I’ve found how liberating it is to be free of fat. I still have about 30 more pounds to lose, but I’m definitely on my way!

There's been a backlash recently on an email group for moms of larger families, saying that the desire for "me" time is unneeded. The prevailing thought is that a mom should find fulfillment in her family and not look for down time. What is your feeling on this? Are you able, at all, to have time alone? What, exactly, do you do to have time to yourself?

My take is that we live in a country where self-indulgence – Have It Your Way! – is not only a way of life, but a way of selling us everything under the sun. When I look through National Geographics or other magazines of a more global nature, I see mothers working very hard, sacrificing themselves for the good of their families. That attitude resonates with me, and is one of the gifts I’ve received from being a megamommy.

Remember, I started out like everyone else – with one kid, then two. I didn’t become a mother of three until 14 years into my mothering. So I know the difference a big family makes. Writing is my time to myself. And I make it a policy to allow my children to interrupt me.

For me – and I’m saying this is for me, for where I am in my life right now – being a mother is all about self-sacrifice and releasing others to become the best they can be. This is my choice – and it’s only good if you choose it. The blessing that has followed for me – which you may see from the unexpected gift of writing in my life – which didn’t start until I was 47 – is that God has released the potential in me. I have something to give and a means of giving it!

A father of a large family is a special person all on his own. Tell us what you think makes your husband Tripp extra special.

Both Tripp and I grew up in families abandoned by fathers. Our mothers responded with alcoholism. Tripp’s home life was dysfunctional; mine was wretched

This reality provided a lot of our motivation for creating a “perfect” family. Of course it hasn’t been perfect, but we’ve been able to give our kids a strong foundation in love and faith and the best start on their own individual futures.

In the process, creating a happy childhood for others has been healing for the lack of one in ours.

You've written frequently that you made a 180 degree spin from the beliefs that you held so strongly when you first became a parent to now. What do you think lead to that change? Has it affected how you parent?

On March 21, 1987, at the age of 38 I became a Christian. I’d grown up without a spiritual foundation, spent many years in the counterculture as a political activist/drug addict/welfare mother. In On March 17, 1980 I went to an AA meeting and began learning to live without drugs and alcohol one day at a time. In AA I was introduced to the concept of a “Higher Power” which I could see I needed in order to stay sober and live my life. So I began seeking God, but since I had a low opinion of Christians, I never looked into Christianity.

By then Tripp and I had met and married, had three sons in addition to the two daughters I brought into the marriage. We went to a marriage conference seeking help for our relationship and ended up coming home with a relationship with God that changed everything.

Parenting as a Christian is so much different for me, as I have the guidance of the Holy Spirit, that “still, small voice within” that I can trust to lead me in the right direction. Perhaps that sounds weird to non-believers. I only know that before I had faith, I was often whistling in the dark when it came to my kids. Now I have direction and purpose.

You mention your faith at almost every turn. Do you find that your faith helps you parent?

Absolutely – in addition to the guidance I mentioned above, it gives me the courage to say I’m sorry when I’m wrong, the desire to become better, and the example of unconditional love to follow.

You wrote: ...when I had seven kids under 10. Life then was much more simple - and I had so much more control - though I didn't realize it, of course. As a mom of 6 under 14, I think my life is incredibly full and out of control. Are you telling me it will get worse? Or better?
In some ways worse, in some ways better – it all depends on our responses. Kids grow up and make their own choices. Sometimes they're not even necessarily bad choices but just something you think they could have done better. There’s a lot of growing up we have to do to let go then. All the time and energy we invested – all our hopes and dreams – and yet the bottom line is that those don’t entitle us to a single thing. We raise them because it’s our calling, but it’s completely up to them what they do with it.

You've said that your motto is "Say something simple and real, something with hope in it." Explain how you live this in your writing.
It’s a line I grabbed from a 40’s movie Meet John Doe. As a communicator, I want to move people from Point A to Point B. But early on in my writing I discovered that while it’s easy to rant, ranting is pretty useless in terms of moving people. What people need most of all is hope: Here’s why this is worth caring about. Testing my writing to make sure there is hope in each piece is a way for me to make sure it’s worth people reading at all.

Thank you so much Barbara!
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When she's not folding socks or driving carpool, Carmen can be found drinking coffee and chatting over at Mom to the Screaming Masses.